So much is floating around in my head right now.
So much to say...but not sure how to say it.
There is so much we are going thru...and so much we are learning...and I want to be open and honest and transparent about it -but I also want to protect Elizabeth as I share from my heart.
As I we were singing in church today, the phrase "We are fighting for her heart" popped into my mind again and I thought it was exactly what I needed to title this post ~as well as the phrase I need to keep at the forefront of my mind as we deal with the issues we are dealing with.
Several weeks ago I mentinoned that we were starting attachment therapy/counseling with Elizabeth. The counselor we began with did not end up being a good fit for our family -for MANY reasons. God GRACIOUSLY led us to another counselor -one whom we feel is a great fit for us and one whom we believe will help us and help Elizabeth in her healing process.
Now that we have seen Elizabeth's issues for what they are -attachment related and not necessarily obedience related -we are able to deal with them in a healthier way for Elizabeth.
Healthier does NOT mean easier!
We have just come out of one of the longest, most intense, difficult times with Elizabeth that I can remember. I believe that part of the reason this episode was so long is because we were finally able to deal with her attachment/insecurity behaviors in a healthy way ~healthy for her in the long run...terrifying for her in the short run.
Let me briefly explain what I'm talking about:
Elizabeth's main issue is that she feels she needs to maintain a certain level of control of her environment. This manifests in a number of ways -different for each child dealing with this -but for Elizabeth it means that when she starts feeling insecure -for WHATEVER reason -she will begin acting out.
She is terribly naughty.
And it's never just one really big disobedient act -it's small, tiny acts of defiance all day long.......she will push buttons and push buttons.....she is trying to force a battle between her and I (or John). If she can just get us to battle her- she has won. It doesn't matter to her if she wins or loses the battles...it's the simple act of getting us to engage in her battle. The psychology behind it is something along the lines of, by getting us to battle her, she is controlling her situation.....as well as, in some sense, she is testing us to see how bad she can be before we give her away too -just like her China mother and the nannies at the orphanage.
There is so much more to attachment issues and specifically what Elizabeth is going thru as well as the psychology behind it -but that is the cliff notes version as we understand it. :)
Let me also say, I realize at some deep level, Elizabeth's behaviors stem from an insecure attachment to us, but I think most of us parents in the adoption world have been led to believe our children are "attached to us" because they look us in the eye, they give and receive love, etc......all those areas on the attachment checklists you can find on-line. I think a much better description of what to call Elizabeth's issues are "security issues" or "insecure behaviors". I think when parents start looking at their children thru the "security lens" you may see issues you might not have seen if you were simply looking for "attachment".
From day 1 in China, Elizabeth looked me in the eye. She allowed me to hold her and gaze at her -and she would gaze back. She loved/loves being held, rocked, giving/receiving physical affection, etc. By all accounts, she is "attached" to me/us.
But she is insecure.
She is the most insecure little person I've ever met.
And to deal with that insecurity, she tries to push us away.
And she does a really good job of it.
2 Sunday nights ago, we experienced one of the worst nights we had had with Elizabeth in a LONG time. Every 5-10 minutes I was dealing with her and her insecurities.
It was exhausting.
and frustrating.
For the first time in a long long time, I actually rocked her to sleep that night.
and as I did, I prayed over her.
Prayed for the Lord to heal her heart.
and once she fell asleep I whispered to her "I'm fighting for you Elizabeth - but you aren't making this very easy!" :)
There is nothing I can do to heal her. oh sure, we can go to counseling and gain wisdom and tools to help her and help us better cope with her behaviors. We can love the stuffing out of her. We can parent her the best way we know how.
But only her Maker and Father can heal the deep wounds that have been inflicted on her precious little heart.
Before we received Elizabeth we would pray that God would comfort her heart, that He would prepare her for us, that He would heal her heart~
and I do believe He is doing all of this.
I just hoped the healing would be quicker. :)
I am posting this today because the last 2 days, Elizabeth has begun to show signs of impending battle. At some point I will probably go into more details, but for now, we can usually sense "the battle is on" because she will begin to refuse to eat at one meal...usually breakfast. And then, throughout the day, little battles will pop up. This morning was the 2nd morning in a row that she hardly touched her breakfast.
We are hoping and praying that this is just a little dip of the roller coaster, not another 300 ft. drop! :)
I was on the verge of tears on the way to church, knowing that we were about to head down on the great roller coaster called "attachment issues". All it took was 3 friends asking "how are you doing with Elizabeth?" today for the tears to flow.
The selfish me is sick of this.
I am sick of battling...or really, NOT battling her.
But the mother that loves her little girl to pieces is broken.....
Broken that she can't fix her little girl.
Broken that her little girl still feels insecure after 19months of consistent love.
This mother is gearing up for another fight-
I will fight as long as I need to,
I will fight as hard as I need to,
Because I am fighting for HER heart -and she is worth it.
the gang watching the present opening
