my poor baby! if she skips nap she will usually fall asleep at dinner. This was my sweetness Sunday night. :)Elizabeth has struggled a bit these last 2 days. It's not exceptionally difficult -it's just this sense I have. I've known her long enough and know her personality well enough to just sense when she is struggling with insecurity.
I'm not sure what has triggered her -maybe it's me being under the weather and I can't love on her like I usually do...maybe it's something I don't even know about.....whatever it is, I'm trying to address it the best I can.
Yesterday afternoon, after naps, I got out the puff balls and we played "puff ball air hockey" for a bit. I made sure I gave her attention, little touches to let her know I was there and loved her, etc.
This morning we had our "school time". Andrew and Becca were gems. When they could sense I was having trouble with Elizabeth, they did ALL their work without playing around, without needing me to help (they helped each other), etc. so proud of them!
How did I struggle with Elizabeth? She "forgot" everything we had been working on these last few weeks. At first you may say "but Jeanette, maybe she really did forget her letter sounds. maybe she didn't really know the answers to the questions."
At first I gave her the benefit of the doubt. But when I would GIVE her the answer and then ask her to repeat it and she would give me something completely off the wall...I knew we were dealing with attachment stuff.
She knows this frustrates me and it's a button she hasn't used in a LONG time. If she can frustrate me and get me angry, I will push her away -which is what she is looking for. It doesn't make ANY sense -this attachment stuff -but it is what it is.
Without exaggeration, we worked on the same 5 questions of "what sound does xyz start with" for 15 minutes.
I'm sorry to say that I did get frustrated..even though I KNEW not to.
I then took Elizabeth to our 'special chair' -it's right by the Christmas tree and it's where we usually do our babytime/cuddle time.
We talked. I hugged her. She told me she was sad inside...a HUGE breakthrough for her to be able to tell me what was going on. She couldn't tell me why she was sad. I asked her if I could help take the sadness away and try to make her happy. She told me I could feed her, smile at her, and give her hugs. I immediately got some pudding in a cup and fed her....of course smiling at her...and then we sat and hugged for awhile.
Then we went back and tried that same page of school work again. She smoked it. Knew every answer on that page and almost every answer on the following 2 pages.
I wish I could take her insecurities away. not just selfishly because it would make our lives easier...but for her sake. It baffles us. Normally, someone who is insecure wants a person to love them more and they do whatever they can to get that love and attention....but kids with attachment issues attempt to push their loved ones away -keep them at a distance. We have seen such tremendous strides with Elizabeth that sometimes it's easy to forget she still struggles with insecurity....and then times like these last 2 days pop up and we're reminded of how fragile she really is inside...and how there is still a hurt little girl in there.
Our hope and prayer is that one day these attachment struggles will be long forgotten -for both Elizabeth and for us.
I'm not sure what has triggered her -maybe it's me being under the weather and I can't love on her like I usually do...maybe it's something I don't even know about.....whatever it is, I'm trying to address it the best I can.
Yesterday afternoon, after naps, I got out the puff balls and we played "puff ball air hockey" for a bit. I made sure I gave her attention, little touches to let her know I was there and loved her, etc.
This morning we had our "school time". Andrew and Becca were gems. When they could sense I was having trouble with Elizabeth, they did ALL their work without playing around, without needing me to help (they helped each other), etc. so proud of them!
How did I struggle with Elizabeth? She "forgot" everything we had been working on these last few weeks. At first you may say "but Jeanette, maybe she really did forget her letter sounds. maybe she didn't really know the answers to the questions."
At first I gave her the benefit of the doubt. But when I would GIVE her the answer and then ask her to repeat it and she would give me something completely off the wall...I knew we were dealing with attachment stuff.
She knows this frustrates me and it's a button she hasn't used in a LONG time. If she can frustrate me and get me angry, I will push her away -which is what she is looking for. It doesn't make ANY sense -this attachment stuff -but it is what it is.
Without exaggeration, we worked on the same 5 questions of "what sound does xyz start with" for 15 minutes.
I'm sorry to say that I did get frustrated..even though I KNEW not to.
I then took Elizabeth to our 'special chair' -it's right by the Christmas tree and it's where we usually do our babytime/cuddle time.
We talked. I hugged her. She told me she was sad inside...a HUGE breakthrough for her to be able to tell me what was going on. She couldn't tell me why she was sad. I asked her if I could help take the sadness away and try to make her happy. She told me I could feed her, smile at her, and give her hugs. I immediately got some pudding in a cup and fed her....of course smiling at her...and then we sat and hugged for awhile.
Then we went back and tried that same page of school work again. She smoked it. Knew every answer on that page and almost every answer on the following 2 pages.
I wish I could take her insecurities away. not just selfishly because it would make our lives easier...but for her sake. It baffles us. Normally, someone who is insecure wants a person to love them more and they do whatever they can to get that love and attention....but kids with attachment issues attempt to push their loved ones away -keep them at a distance. We have seen such tremendous strides with Elizabeth that sometimes it's easy to forget she still struggles with insecurity....and then times like these last 2 days pop up and we're reminded of how fragile she really is inside...and how there is still a hurt little girl in there.
Our hope and prayer is that one day these attachment struggles will be long forgotten -for both Elizabeth and for us.
7 comments:
What an amazing Momma! That's all I can say. Your love shines through!
Sorry to hear you have been under the weather. I hope you are on the mend.
Chris M.
What a huge step that she recognized her feelings and told you!
You are such a wonderful mom to Elizabeth. I am so glad things are getting better. Gives me hope!! :)
You are a WONDERFUL mom, Jeanette.
Jeanette, it is AWESOME that she was able to verbalize that she was sad and how you could make it better! Even though she couldn't express "why" she understood how it could go away. That is huge!
When you said that it baffles you that a child with insecurities would push you away instead of want to be with you more I could totally relate. I know with myself growing up (and still some today as an adult) if I felt insecure about something or someone, I would push everyone who loved me or was trying to help away. I would close up and put up walls so that I could try to keep those around me from figuring out what I was so insecure about. While I didn't have attachment issues or the same start in life as E, that's how I would handle times like that. I agree, it doesn't make sense and it is very frustrating to the other person who just wants to help.
You are such a fantastic mama and breakthroughs like today are proof that the Lord is constantly working and healing in E's life. Thank you for sharing!!! Love you!
Sorry to hear you had a setback, but so glad to hear that E has made such strides that she could tell you her feelings. She's come such a long way. Praying for those insecure times to be long gone, but glad she has a mommy who will always be there to cuddle and love on her.
thank you for your insightful posts. I've been a horrible blogger and commenter/reader of late thinking that I needed to get away from my computer and focus more time on Maddy. I've been seeing some things in Maddy lately that I can't put my finger on and I've wondered myself if this time of year causes her sadness because it is just months after she came home with us. I wonder if she remembers that?? I wonder if she was homesick that first thanksgiving and Christmas and so this time of year brings her sadness too. Am I reading to much into this? I don't know. I just know that Maddy is sad too. She wants me to rock her like a baby every night again. She won't sleep in her room etc. Reading posts like this help me to remember to look for things to try and help her.
That is awesome! We are dealing with the same type things with our Anna Grace.
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