We met our little boy on the steps of The Thomas Center in Ethiopia exactly 3 months ago today.
the pic above is an hour or so after we met. :)
He seemed so small, and young, and quiet, and shy back then.
Boy has he changed!
He has grown at least 1/2 an inch, gained nearly 5 pounds (making him heavier than Andrew), and is anything BUT quiet and shy! :)
Adding him to our family has gone much smoother than we anticipated-and although things have gone well, it hasn't been perfect and rosy and "white picket fence" either.
I want this post to be somewhat of a "documentary" of how far Biruk has come in such a short time -partly just so we can have the memories documented and partly to give encouragement to other families who are in the process of/ or considering adopting "older" kids.
I also want to be open and honest about some of our struggles -again, partly for us to be able to look back in the future and see how far we've come, but also, again, for other families to learn from us and our struggles.
Before we brought Biruk home, we had done quite a bit of research on adopting older kids -Ethiopians especially. I connected with other families of older Ethiopian kids too and picked their brains on anything and everything I could!
We prepared for ALOT of things that, in God's graciousness, we have yet to encounter with Biruk....food issues, habitual lying, sulking and pouting, rough play, heavy grieving, sickness...the list could go on. We're not naive -we know many of these issues could pop up in the future, but for now we are just SO grateful that we have yet to deal with them.
Here are some of the huge praises we have:
*no food issues
*he's a smart little kid who is learning everything SO quickly
*he readily takes discipline and correction and doesn't fight back/argue/lie when he is being corrected ~ie: respects our authority -this is a HUGE praise!!!
*he is a DELIGHT to have around ~his laugh and smile are infectious, he is kind-hearted, good natured...just a fun kid
*he is bonding well to all of us so far
*no glaring signs of attachment issues yet
*learning to play with toys and even use his imagination during play
Biruk came home ready and wanting to embrace our family and being American. He LOVES American food and doesn't want Ethiopian food. He really loves pizza, chicken, and ice cream. :) He really has yet to complain about anything I've served him...and even if he does complain, here is how the conversation goes:
Biruk -I don't want this.
me -yes buddy, everyone has to eat a little of everything
Biruk -oh. ok.
sometimes we get a whiny "why mommy?"..but that is the extent.
not bad huh?!
Being that he has embraced being American, he has tried SO hard to learn English -and it's paying off! His English has come soooo far. He came to us speaking maybe 10 words in English..maybe....now -full sentences..not always perfect or grammatically correct....but a pretty amazing accomplishment for a 6 yr old Ethiopian boy who's only heard English for 3 months!
He has learned all his ABC's, all of their sounds, in the process of learning sight words, learning to count past 20 in English......his vocabulary has exploded....we're just so proud of him!
Discipline -Biruk was on his "best behavior" for the first 2 months or so. The "real" Biruk is starting to emerge...which is good. It means he is feeling comfortable enough and secure enough with us to be "real". He is challenging us, his boundaries, and rules...but even when he does challenge us ~it does not take much at all to discipline/correct. Most of the time a stern "no" is enough...sometimes just looking at him with sternness is enough to get his attention!
We think he has bonded really well with us so far. He LOVES having a daddy ~something he's never known before. He would MUCH rather spend time with daddy than mommy if he had the choice. :) BUT, he's also a little love-bug with me. He gives the sweetest, tightest hugs....is starting to freely give me kisses, and seems to really enjoy our nighttime ritual of telling each other we love each other and then doing "nose kisses".
Now -to some of the "issues" we're having:
*As he has become more comfortable and secure with us ~he has started trying to find his niche in our family. His background and upbringing was more of a "pack mentality" ~there is a hierarchy and the higher you are, the more priviledge you have, the more important you are, the more you can boss others around.
Unfortunately ~as he's tried to find his niche, he has tried to manipulate and boss the other 3 around. He has tried to be "top dog" in this pack. He even saw himself as mine and John's "enforcer"...following up on instructions we'd given the other kids and tattling on them if they weren't complying with him.
The last month has been a bit tough on all of us as we gently teach Biruk that he is NOT top dog, all the kids are treated as equally and fairly as possible, and that mom and dad are in charge ~not him. He is getting it ~it just takes us being consistent and loving with him ~and it doesn't hurt that Becca wants NOTHING to do with taking direction from him so she challenges him ALOT on this issue. :)
*Wandering around/boredom -honestly, we weren't really prepared for this one. When Biruk is bored, which is often, he doesn't know what to do with himself and will wander around the house opening and shutting cabinets and drawers or just hovering over 1 of us.
We've tried giving him choices of things to do ~usually he gets choices of 2-3 things like coloring, puzzles, playing with legos, playing with his cars, etc...and sometimes that works,other times it doesn't. About 2 weeks ago I gave him his choices...he didn't like those choices so just continued to roam around...I ended up giving him a dust rag and had him dust 2 rooms for me. :) Since then he's been better about choosing something to do!
*Helping vs. controlling - Biruk is an extremely helpful kid. It's just his nature...really, it is. He has been gifted with a servant's heart. Examples are: being the first responder to someone hurt and making sure they're OK (or running to get me), ALWAYS offering to help carry groceries in, setting the meal table without being asked, and
..sit down for this...
he opens my car door MUCH of the time.
yep -seriously -he opens my door for me.
This isn't meant to knock John, but Biruk didn't learn this from his dad :)...nor do I believe he learned it in Ethiopia because they didn't have a car....we think he does this simply out of wanting to show me love and serve me.
the flip side of this is that we also have begun to realize sometimes, he's really trying to control the situation. it's hard to describe...but it's just a sense we have...and maybe too because one of the ways Elizabeth used to exhibit insecurity/attachment issues was by controlling us or her situation so we have a heightened awareness.
John and I are praying for wisdom and discernment in this area ~as we try to discern when Biruk is simply trying to help and when he is, for whatever reason, trying to control/manipulate us or the situation.
*touching everything/opening drawers and cabinets, etc -This is a good and bad issue. We have let him do alot of touching and exploring the last few months ~because he needs to. Everything we have is so foreign to him. And it is good to let him explore as long as he's not doing it to be "naughty" you know. AND, it has to be part of the reason why he's done so well with English ~he CONSTANTLY asked "what is this mommy?"
SIDE NOTE -grocery store trips were EXHAUSTING because of this..not the touching part but the constant asking "what is this mommy?"....seriously -imagine having to explain just about everything in a grocery store?!
back to the constant touching....we're now trying to teach him a little self control ~that he doesn't need to touch everything or open every drawer...now we see him doing it more out of boredom than wanting to know what things are....AND as he touches stuff, he often picks things up and moves them...and then we have to find what he has moved. :)
*pouting ~Ethiopian kids are known for their pouting abilities! I have friends whose Ethiopian kids have pouted for hours, even a day or 2. Biruk's longest pout has been about 15 minutes..which is good...but we're teaching him he really doesn't need to pout at all. :) Usually the pout comes when he perceives something isn't fair so he pouts to show us his displeasure.
we let him have a few minutes to collect himself, and then have him rejoin the family ~which he does readily and the pout disappears!
John and I have talked many times about how, although things aren't perfect with Biruk and we're still having issues/struggles/adjustments ~all things considered~it could be ALOT worse. We feel so blessed to be dealing with relatively minor issues so far.
I look back at the last 3 months...really even just the last month...and we have come so far. It will be fun at the 6mo and 12 mo mark to see how far we've progressed and how even more "adjusted" we are.
Biruki-
We love you so much. We are so glad God laid you on our hearts and put you in our arms.
You have brought so much joy and laughter to our home!
We cannot believe how well you have adjusted to our family ~how brave you have been to fully embrace us, our culture, and our language.
We cannot wait to see what God has in store for you little man!
We love you sweet boy.
Love ~mom and dad
