and dare I say excited?!
We have had nearly 2 days void of insecure behavior.
As quickly as this weekend's battle scene came on, it seemed to disappear.
As quickly as this weekend's battle scene came on, it seemed to disappear.
Praise God!!
Aside from the Lord's hand being up on our situation, I think we might have put our finger on one of E's triggers for insecurity....and were able to help her manage it.
When we first met with our new counselor, it was just John and I and the counselor. She wanted the 3 of us to meet to make sure we all thought this was a good fit. She asked us to tell her a few of our concerns and a bit of what we were seeing in Elizabeth's behavior. As we described some of E's behaviors, she told us that she thought Elizabeth might be struggling with a particular issue in attachment labeled "permanence". Without meeting E and without fully evaluating her, she wanted us to be aware that she wasn't SURE this was something E struggled with, but it certainly sounded like it.
She went on to describe behaviors that are typical of a child who struggles with permanence...and many of those are behaviors E has exhibited, especially during her insecure episodes.
HUGE DISCLAIMER HERE -I am still just learning about permanence and these attachment issues....but I will define it as I understand it right now.
Permanence is something a child learns when they are very young. Imagine a baby sitting in a high chair playing with toys or food. Early on, if something drops over the edge it doesn't seem to phase them much. out of sight, out of mind. But then, as they grow older, if an item drops over the edge they notice it is gone and will begin to look for it. The child now has a sense of permanence..even though the object is out of sight, they KNOW it still exists and just need to find it.
Permanence, or lack of permanence really, for Elizabeth brings about fear and insecurity. If she cannot physically see me -specifically my face, or have my attention when she needs it, she begins to fear and feel insecure. There is a fear that our relationship doesn't exist. There is a fear that my not giving her attention means I'm leaving her. She is like the young child who, when the item falls off the highchair, doesn't realize the item still exists but is just on the floor. To her, that item is now gone with nothing to replace it.
The counselor suggested that we find an item or 2 for me to give to her whenever I cannot be with her or when she can't physically see me (like when we're driving in the car) or when I cannot give her my full attention (when I'm in the middle of cooking dinner!). She can hold onto it, or feel it, and remember that mommy exists and that I still love her, even though I cannot show it right now. This is going to sound so corny -but we got her a cheapo bracelet from Wally World and I give it kisses and loves and then I put it on her wrist, telling her that now she has "mommy's love with her even if mommy can't be right with her".
We ran to Wally World Saturday cuz I could sense the battles coming and I wanted to see if this "transitional object" thing would work. I gave it to her Sunday before going into Sunday School and while driving....we ran errands yesterday so gave her "mommy's love" when she got in the car....same for today while driving and going to the gym day care.
And the battles have ceased.
I'm wondering if her issues with permanence would set off the insecure feelings, and then they would just spiral downward, causing her to create all the battles.
I am working on making a small little photo album of us together to give her as well as a little pillow with a picture of us on it, one small enough she can put in her pocket and pull out when she needs to. I figure one or all will be lost at some point and/or she may favor one over the others.
I realize there is probably deeper issues we'll be dealing with with Elizabeth...but I'm so happy that we seemed to have dealt with her permanence issue from this weekend....in a healthy way and an EASY way for all involved.
Aside from the Lord's hand being up on our situation, I think we might have put our finger on one of E's triggers for insecurity....and were able to help her manage it.
When we first met with our new counselor, it was just John and I and the counselor. She wanted the 3 of us to meet to make sure we all thought this was a good fit. She asked us to tell her a few of our concerns and a bit of what we were seeing in Elizabeth's behavior. As we described some of E's behaviors, she told us that she thought Elizabeth might be struggling with a particular issue in attachment labeled "permanence". Without meeting E and without fully evaluating her, she wanted us to be aware that she wasn't SURE this was something E struggled with, but it certainly sounded like it.
She went on to describe behaviors that are typical of a child who struggles with permanence...and many of those are behaviors E has exhibited, especially during her insecure episodes.
HUGE DISCLAIMER HERE -I am still just learning about permanence and these attachment issues....but I will define it as I understand it right now.
Permanence is something a child learns when they are very young. Imagine a baby sitting in a high chair playing with toys or food. Early on, if something drops over the edge it doesn't seem to phase them much. out of sight, out of mind. But then, as they grow older, if an item drops over the edge they notice it is gone and will begin to look for it. The child now has a sense of permanence..even though the object is out of sight, they KNOW it still exists and just need to find it.
Permanence, or lack of permanence really, for Elizabeth brings about fear and insecurity. If she cannot physically see me -specifically my face, or have my attention when she needs it, she begins to fear and feel insecure. There is a fear that our relationship doesn't exist. There is a fear that my not giving her attention means I'm leaving her. She is like the young child who, when the item falls off the highchair, doesn't realize the item still exists but is just on the floor. To her, that item is now gone with nothing to replace it.
The counselor suggested that we find an item or 2 for me to give to her whenever I cannot be with her or when she can't physically see me (like when we're driving in the car) or when I cannot give her my full attention (when I'm in the middle of cooking dinner!). She can hold onto it, or feel it, and remember that mommy exists and that I still love her, even though I cannot show it right now. This is going to sound so corny -but we got her a cheapo bracelet from Wally World and I give it kisses and loves and then I put it on her wrist, telling her that now she has "mommy's love with her even if mommy can't be right with her".
We ran to Wally World Saturday cuz I could sense the battles coming and I wanted to see if this "transitional object" thing would work. I gave it to her Sunday before going into Sunday School and while driving....we ran errands yesterday so gave her "mommy's love" when she got in the car....same for today while driving and going to the gym day care.
And the battles have ceased.
I'm wondering if her issues with permanence would set off the insecure feelings, and then they would just spiral downward, causing her to create all the battles.
I am working on making a small little photo album of us together to give her as well as a little pillow with a picture of us on it, one small enough she can put in her pocket and pull out when she needs to. I figure one or all will be lost at some point and/or she may favor one over the others.
I realize there is probably deeper issues we'll be dealing with with Elizabeth...but I'm so happy that we seemed to have dealt with her permanence issue from this weekend....in a healthy way and an EASY way for all involved.
thank you guys so much for your prayers and words of encouragement -I REALLY needed them this weekend! :)
7 comments:
Wow, that's great news!
Hi! I just emailed you back. :) Silas also struggles with this and we talked about transitional objects at our last session. We went out of town right after but I am going to do several of these same things to see if they help. I am so hopeful since it seemed to work really well for Elizabeth! Fantastic news!!
I'm so glad for this good report!
It's so interesting to me to read and learn through your experiences. Thank God for people who understand these issues and know how to give good counsel. I know about the concept of permanence with infants, but would never have thought to apply it to Elizabeth's situation. But now that I read this, it makes sense!
Thanks again for sharing even the hard things.
I somehow missed this series of posts until just now... but I just read through them all, and really the one thing that comes to mind is that I am SOOO THANKFUL she's in your family, where you are so sensitive to these issues and willing to keep fighting. I think these things are more common than most people want to admit, but they don't want their eyes to be opened to it. I don't know if you read it, but a few weeks ago I wrote something called glimmers of joy and signs of hope on my blog -- I don't mean this to be self-promotional at all, but I just wanted you to see it if you haven't already... because these issues are so real, so deep, and so widespread. God will bring her healing, and he's using you to do it.
I'm so glad E's mommy's love bracelet helped her find some comfort. I think our sweet babies all struggle with this on some level. CG just couldn't be separated from me at first for a long time. But she's older than E and as her language skills grow, so does her reasoning. When CG started preschool in January I left a picture of me in her cubby that she could hug any time she needed to. Her teacher laminated it for her :) I think she only needed it a couple of times, but it helped her to know it was there. I hope you continue to see progress in your sweet girl!
Thanks again for sharing. I've been trying to think of a transitional object to try for M - it's hard since it's got to work at daycare, not be a choking or strangulation hazard, and be something they'll allow her to have (i.e. bunny and/or WaWa are only allowed at naptime). I'm so glad to hear that it seems to be working well for E.
that is really cool Jeanette! And how cool that you've found a counselor with understanding to your cause/issues. :0)
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