I've had alot of people emailing me or just asking me in person, how did you know you were dealing with attachment issues with Elizabeth, and not just your typical 2/3 year old behaviors?
GOOD QUESTION! :)
without sounding cliche', it was God.
because much, if not all of her behavior could be, and was, written off as "typical behavior".
when John and I would discuss Elizabeth and her behavior, we'd say things like "well, maybe this is just her personality", "boy, she is a strong-willed kid isn't she?!", "she can charm the pants off of anyone can't she!"
it wasn't until months of saying things like this and praying that God would give us wisdom to know how to parent her, that the light dawned and we started seeing the red flags as RED FLAGS.
*****BIG DISCLAIMER****
I've been debating for days/weeks whether to share what were the "signs" or red flags for us for so many reasons. I don't want an adoptive parent to read the things that were red flags to us and just assume their child doesn't have an attachment issue because he/she doesn't exhibit any of the things Elizabeth has. I also don't want an adoptive parent to read some of our red flags and assume their child DOES have an attachment issue....he/she might if they are displaying some of the things Elizabeth is...but I am no expert!!
I just want to tell you what we saw in our daughter and what raised the red flags for us.
Each child is going to exhibit different behaviors with attachment issues...because each child is an individual.
Some kids, like Elizabeth, are going to be passive -aggressive-ish in the way they handle things, others will have tantrums and fits and rages.
GOOD QUESTION! :)
without sounding cliche', it was God.
because much, if not all of her behavior could be, and was, written off as "typical behavior".
when John and I would discuss Elizabeth and her behavior, we'd say things like "well, maybe this is just her personality", "boy, she is a strong-willed kid isn't she?!", "she can charm the pants off of anyone can't she!"
it wasn't until months of saying things like this and praying that God would give us wisdom to know how to parent her, that the light dawned and we started seeing the red flags as RED FLAGS.
*****BIG DISCLAIMER****
I've been debating for days/weeks whether to share what were the "signs" or red flags for us for so many reasons. I don't want an adoptive parent to read the things that were red flags to us and just assume their child doesn't have an attachment issue because he/she doesn't exhibit any of the things Elizabeth has. I also don't want an adoptive parent to read some of our red flags and assume their child DOES have an attachment issue....he/she might if they are displaying some of the things Elizabeth is...but I am no expert!!
I just want to tell you what we saw in our daughter and what raised the red flags for us.
Each child is going to exhibit different behaviors with attachment issues...because each child is an individual.
Some kids, like Elizabeth, are going to be passive -aggressive-ish in the way they handle things, others will have tantrums and fits and rages.
If you have red flags, please -at least seek out an attachment counselor and have your child assessed. You'd rather seek out help and find out you don't really need it than to NOT seek out help and realize, down the road, that you should have sought help earlier. The earlier you get help for you and your child, the happier y'all will be! :)
Red Flags/Signs:
*once she knows someone is "safe", ie: friends or family-usually an adult -she will seek out attention from them -by engaging them in a conversation and then soon after trying to get them to pick her up, hold her hand, hug her....
(the good sign here is that she will NOT approach people she doesn't know!)
now-Andrew and Becca will converse and hug our friends too, but they seem to have an internal sense of when "enough is enough" and then they'll go play on their own or with other children.
Elizabeth does not have that internal sense to tell her "enough". She will continue to engage that other person...seeking more and more attention.
Because she is adorable and sweet and charming, most people think it's "so cute" and don't mind her "bugging them".
This almost ALWAYS happens when I begin to engage in a conversation with friends...therefore not giving her full attention.
*since learning English, she has become quite a talker. I think that is "normal" for kids her age. I really do. And she is inquisitive...again, normal.
not normal-constant..and I mean, typically constant, chatter in the car, especially when I'm driving. And quite often, it's not just chatter, it's questioning. And often times, it's the same questions over and over..."where is daddy?" "where is his car?", 2 minutes later, "where is daddy?"....the first counselor told us to answer her questions once and then if she asks a question we know she knows the answer to, ask it to her back. that would look like "where is daddy?" in a pleasant tone, "Elizabeth, I think you know where daddy is -can you tell me?"
the constant chatter in the car also involved quite a bit of "look at me", "what is this/that?", "can you see me?"
there were days that just driving to the store would exhaust me and give me a headache-no joking -simply from the constant questions and chatter. But I wrote it off to "she was just inquisitive" and I think it's important to talk with our kids in the car! :)
*"naughty" behavior -we are a family that expects obedience from our children. for the first couple months, Elizabeth was given ALOT of grace when it came to obedience issues as she was adjusting to our family, learning what was ok and what wasn't, learning the language, etc. As we began to enforce boundaries, we'd notice she'd try to push them~this can be "normal", but it just didn't seem so in Elizabeth's case.
one example: We made it clear that she wasn't to touch the phone, the remote controls, or the computer (none of the kids are allowed to do that, not just single-ing her out!).....in our presence, she would almost always comply...but we would notice she'd try to sneakily disobey. We'd see her sneak into the office and then hear tap-tap-tapping on the keyboards.....or we'd hear the dialtone of the phone and find her in a room with the phone...not touching it but it was obvious she had pushed the buttons.
Little things like this ALL the time. Also, we noticed she would half-way obey. I'd ask her to put her shoes in the shoe garage in her closet, and then watch her go into her room and throw 'em on the floor. I know it's not unusual for a kid to do that, it's just that it would happen over and over ..it just didn't make sense.
As she did gain security in our family, we noticed more compliance in the obedience area...but then we'd slip into "naughty cycles"...now we know them to be cycles of insecurity....and it was like she had forgotten everything!
We kept saying "she just doesn't get it!...or if she gets it, she doesn't care!'
what frustrated us on this behavior is that we KNOW she is bright. we have been told by medical and educational professionals that she is a very bright child. so why was she not getting the rules of our house?!
*potty training -she potty trained in something like 2 days flat once I really tried with her. But then, we started noticing accidents.....looking back, those accidents were during times of insecurity....but we didn't realize that at the time. The accidents are NEVER just one...for Elizabeth, it was several in one day....or at least 2-3 in a 2 day period.
*food/eating -we started noticing that there were days when she wouldn't eat all of her meal, even when encouraged to do so. At first we didn't think much of it...sometimes she just didn't like what she was eating. But then we noticed she'd ask for snacks soon after the meal..so she HAD been hungry. Still we dismissed it. Then we noticed it wasn't just one meal every once in awhile...it was becoming a habit. The big red flag was when I started seeing this as a battle so I would make her her favorite foods...and she'd still refuse to eat.
~side note here ~the first counselor we saw said that adopted kiddos will OFTEN display their attachment issues by pushing buttons with a food battle and with the potty battle. These are the 2 buttons that get to their parents the most. The food battle is especially important to pay attention to because it IS NOT about the food, it is about the control...and it often times grows into an eating disorder for the child, especially the girls.
*Elizabeth is a very charming little girl. I do think that is one of her God-given, natural gifts. I really do. But she uses her cuteness to manipulate adults...into getting attention. This is the main red flag that caused us to seek help. John and I are both fearful of what this behavior will look like in 10-12 years when she is a teenager....manipulating attention from others.
As we sought out help, we realized that all of our red flags are indeed, true red flags of an attachment disorder. Everything I listed above IS a sign of a possible issue.
This may sound odd, but I felt relieved. I wasn't off my rocker. So many people were telling me "oh don't worry, this is "normal" behavior"...but my gut told me differently. Andrew is only 27 mo. older than Elizabeth and Rebecca is only 10 months older than her....I didn't experience any of these things with my biological children...and those experiences were fresh in my mind. :)
The first counselor we saw thought Elizabeth's issues were minor, but he also only spent about 10 minutes with her. Our new counselor is going to be spending 4-5 hours with Elizabeth and I, watching us interact in specific situations in order to "assess" Elizabeth's attachment issues. I still tend to believe her issues are "minor"...but I could be very wrong too. :)
I am sure there are more red flags we saw over the past 19 months, but these are the ones I'm remembering right now. :)
We have continued to have really good days with Elizabeth. Her bracelet of "mommy's love" seems to be helping immensely. I have especially noticed our times in the car are much quieter..seriously. She is not constantly asking me to "look at me" or answer "what is that?" as she points at the window. To be sure, we're still talking and I'm still trying to teach them about things as we drive...but Elizabeth is acting, dare I say it, "normal" in the car as long as she has "mommy's love".
Interestingly, on Monday and Tuesday, Elizabeth said to me, "mommy, I cry for you. I scared. I no find you. no know where are you. don't have mommy's love". I don't know if she was referencing times past when she couldn't find me or didn't know where I was, or if she was talking about that day and we were just in different rooms, but I thought it was interesting she has already been able to express that she was scared because she couldn't find me and therefore didn't have "mommy's love".
I KNOW we are going to have more downward spirals and more insecure cycles and more battles, but I cannot tell you how hopeful I am now.
I see that there IS a light at the end of this tunnel.
Red Flags/Signs:
*once she knows someone is "safe", ie: friends or family-usually an adult -she will seek out attention from them -by engaging them in a conversation and then soon after trying to get them to pick her up, hold her hand, hug her....
(the good sign here is that she will NOT approach people she doesn't know!)
now-Andrew and Becca will converse and hug our friends too, but they seem to have an internal sense of when "enough is enough" and then they'll go play on their own or with other children.
Elizabeth does not have that internal sense to tell her "enough". She will continue to engage that other person...seeking more and more attention.
Because she is adorable and sweet and charming, most people think it's "so cute" and don't mind her "bugging them".
This almost ALWAYS happens when I begin to engage in a conversation with friends...therefore not giving her full attention.
*since learning English, she has become quite a talker. I think that is "normal" for kids her age. I really do. And she is inquisitive...again, normal.
not normal-constant..and I mean, typically constant, chatter in the car, especially when I'm driving. And quite often, it's not just chatter, it's questioning. And often times, it's the same questions over and over..."where is daddy?" "where is his car?", 2 minutes later, "where is daddy?"....the first counselor told us to answer her questions once and then if she asks a question we know she knows the answer to, ask it to her back. that would look like "where is daddy?" in a pleasant tone, "Elizabeth, I think you know where daddy is -can you tell me?"
the constant chatter in the car also involved quite a bit of "look at me", "what is this/that?", "can you see me?"
there were days that just driving to the store would exhaust me and give me a headache-no joking -simply from the constant questions and chatter. But I wrote it off to "she was just inquisitive" and I think it's important to talk with our kids in the car! :)
*"naughty" behavior -we are a family that expects obedience from our children. for the first couple months, Elizabeth was given ALOT of grace when it came to obedience issues as she was adjusting to our family, learning what was ok and what wasn't, learning the language, etc. As we began to enforce boundaries, we'd notice she'd try to push them~this can be "normal", but it just didn't seem so in Elizabeth's case.
one example: We made it clear that she wasn't to touch the phone, the remote controls, or the computer (none of the kids are allowed to do that, not just single-ing her out!).....in our presence, she would almost always comply...but we would notice she'd try to sneakily disobey. We'd see her sneak into the office and then hear tap-tap-tapping on the keyboards.....or we'd hear the dialtone of the phone and find her in a room with the phone...not touching it but it was obvious she had pushed the buttons.
Little things like this ALL the time. Also, we noticed she would half-way obey. I'd ask her to put her shoes in the shoe garage in her closet, and then watch her go into her room and throw 'em on the floor. I know it's not unusual for a kid to do that, it's just that it would happen over and over ..it just didn't make sense.
As she did gain security in our family, we noticed more compliance in the obedience area...but then we'd slip into "naughty cycles"...now we know them to be cycles of insecurity....and it was like she had forgotten everything!
We kept saying "she just doesn't get it!...or if she gets it, she doesn't care!'
what frustrated us on this behavior is that we KNOW she is bright. we have been told by medical and educational professionals that she is a very bright child. so why was she not getting the rules of our house?!
*potty training -she potty trained in something like 2 days flat once I really tried with her. But then, we started noticing accidents.....looking back, those accidents were during times of insecurity....but we didn't realize that at the time. The accidents are NEVER just one...for Elizabeth, it was several in one day....or at least 2-3 in a 2 day period.
*food/eating -we started noticing that there were days when she wouldn't eat all of her meal, even when encouraged to do so. At first we didn't think much of it...sometimes she just didn't like what she was eating. But then we noticed she'd ask for snacks soon after the meal..so she HAD been hungry. Still we dismissed it. Then we noticed it wasn't just one meal every once in awhile...it was becoming a habit. The big red flag was when I started seeing this as a battle so I would make her her favorite foods...and she'd still refuse to eat.
~side note here ~the first counselor we saw said that adopted kiddos will OFTEN display their attachment issues by pushing buttons with a food battle and with the potty battle. These are the 2 buttons that get to their parents the most. The food battle is especially important to pay attention to because it IS NOT about the food, it is about the control...and it often times grows into an eating disorder for the child, especially the girls.
*Elizabeth is a very charming little girl. I do think that is one of her God-given, natural gifts. I really do. But she uses her cuteness to manipulate adults...into getting attention. This is the main red flag that caused us to seek help. John and I are both fearful of what this behavior will look like in 10-12 years when she is a teenager....manipulating attention from others.
As we sought out help, we realized that all of our red flags are indeed, true red flags of an attachment disorder. Everything I listed above IS a sign of a possible issue.
This may sound odd, but I felt relieved. I wasn't off my rocker. So many people were telling me "oh don't worry, this is "normal" behavior"...but my gut told me differently. Andrew is only 27 mo. older than Elizabeth and Rebecca is only 10 months older than her....I didn't experience any of these things with my biological children...and those experiences were fresh in my mind. :)
The first counselor we saw thought Elizabeth's issues were minor, but he also only spent about 10 minutes with her. Our new counselor is going to be spending 4-5 hours with Elizabeth and I, watching us interact in specific situations in order to "assess" Elizabeth's attachment issues. I still tend to believe her issues are "minor"...but I could be very wrong too. :)
I am sure there are more red flags we saw over the past 19 months, but these are the ones I'm remembering right now. :)
We have continued to have really good days with Elizabeth. Her bracelet of "mommy's love" seems to be helping immensely. I have especially noticed our times in the car are much quieter..seriously. She is not constantly asking me to "look at me" or answer "what is that?" as she points at the window. To be sure, we're still talking and I'm still trying to teach them about things as we drive...but Elizabeth is acting, dare I say it, "normal" in the car as long as she has "mommy's love".
Interestingly, on Monday and Tuesday, Elizabeth said to me, "mommy, I cry for you. I scared. I no find you. no know where are you. don't have mommy's love". I don't know if she was referencing times past when she couldn't find me or didn't know where I was, or if she was talking about that day and we were just in different rooms, but I thought it was interesting she has already been able to express that she was scared because she couldn't find me and therefore didn't have "mommy's love".
I KNOW we are going to have more downward spirals and more insecure cycles and more battles, but I cannot tell you how hopeful I am now.
I see that there IS a light at the end of this tunnel.
5 comments:
Excellent post! Silas displays most of the same issues. Especially the talking, attention seeking and being abnormally charming to adults.
There is a light for us! We just need to remember that. So glad the bracelet is working.
Yes, absolutely yes! This was the Tongginator, too. Actually, it still is the Tongginator to some extent, but there is a difference. And you will notice that difference as things progress for the better. Hugs to all y'all in the trenches now.
Wow. Thanks for posting all of this. It's very interesting/informative to read specifics of what life is like in your situation.
I'm so happy for you that things have been going better and you're learning good strategies for nurturing Elizabeth and helping her to continue to adjust in a healthy way.
I've been reading back through the last several posts. Thanks for sharing your experiences. As a (still!) waiting mom I'm soaking in as much of this info as I possibly can so I'll be better prepared when my day finally comes. Thanks again. :)
I am just really enjoying your blog! I worked last night and should have been in bed 30 minutes ago!! Thank you so much for your honesty about attachment issues!! I look forward to starting at the beginning of this blog and working my way to the present day! Beautiful kids and a great blog!! Thanks so much! Penny
Post a Comment